What She's Really Thinking

1 Please listen to me.
Not because what I’m about to say will rock your world, but because listening is a sign of respect that rocks my world.
2 Women speak a diff erent dialect than men.
For example, “I’m fine means “I’m so not fine”, just as “No dessert for me” means “I’ll be polishing off yours”.
3 Remember, PMS stands for “physical and mental stress”.
So let me cry freely, behave irrationally and eat your dessert. My mood swings are hormonal, not personal.
4 Manicures and pedicures are a woman’s gift to her man.
I love looking pretty for you. The time to worry is when I stop going for them.
5 Always tell me when I look hot;
never tell me when I don’t. And don’t forget:
I need 20 compliments to offset one thoughtless remark.
6 I remember the shirt you were wearing
when you first said, “I love you”. The fact that you don’t makes me question whether you meant it.
7 I loved you long before I told you.
Playing the waiting game is in a woman’s DNA.
8 Of course you’re the best lover I’ve ever had.
All others cease to exist
when I fall in love.
9 I’ll never tell you my true number.
Never, never, never! Besides, see #8.
10 I read your horoscope every day.
11 I secretly delight when
the manager slips up and calls us Mr and Mrs.
12 Spontaneously kiss my neck
from behind, and I might let you stay back there for a while.
13 Yes, my girlfriend knows what we did
last night. We share everything, including that.
14 Make me laugh and I’m happy.
Laugh at yourself and I’m all yours.
15 A little jealousy is good
if a) no kneecaps are broken and b) you don’t cross-examine me to exhaustion. The right balance shows you care, and it’s even flattering.
16 I don’t withhold sex to punish you.
Sometimes I just need to be left alone, but at the same time, not left alone. And no, I can’t explain that.
17 I can, will and do fake it.
Like when Gossip Girl is about to start. Would you rather I fake a headache?
18 I love sex.
With or without you, as Bono might say. My mind is fi lthier than you might think.
19 You are irresistible:
freshly showered, doing something sporty or strenuous, smiling, charming the old lady next door, suited, reading the business section, DIY-ing...
20 “Do you want flowers?”
kills the romantic gesture. Don’t ask, just do.
21 I’ll probably be late –
because I’m preening for you. At least that’s how I reason.
My reasoning skills are phenomenal!
22 If you cheat,
I may not break up with you. But you’ll wish I had.
23 I once kissed a girl
and liked the taste of her cherry ChapStick. No, I didn’t. That’s your fantasy. Sincerely sorry.
24 Here’s how to fix
what you’re doing wrong in bed: when you go slow, go slower. When you go fast, go faster.
25 I feel lucky to have you,
and I hope you feel the same. You can’t have it all unless you have someone to share it with